please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
