She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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