I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
