you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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