Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
