my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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