I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.