Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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