My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
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4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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