you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
