There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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