so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
