her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
