she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
