I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
