Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
