Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
