so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
