your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We smell like vodka and hangover
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