i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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