The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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