I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That's intense
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
