the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
