why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
