You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
