1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
