They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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