opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
