there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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