Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
