got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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