We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
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I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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