I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
A bitchslap is in order.
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