foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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