Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
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Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.