tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just want to make out with him forever
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
