Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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