i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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