my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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