PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
