if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
