I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
