Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
