Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
