Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
