i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish you could order shots online.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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