Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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