The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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