She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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