You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Floor bacon is actually really good
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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