I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
