my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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