I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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