Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
