Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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