My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
