so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
