I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
