Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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