Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
