I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no you cant smoke seaweed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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