dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
