im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
